Monday, November 30, 2009
2:01 AM /
0 comments
Sometimes, the past hurts badly.
To be reminded of what went wrong.
To think of the people you miss.
To see the ugly you.
To feel so upset with yourself.
To have the negative emotions of the past engulf your heart, leaving you struggling for a consolation and for someone to be there.
And yet not be able to get over it.
It's not just about the past, but the whole ideal that the past reminds me of. An ideal I've wanted to badly, I'd keep trying to get it in my life.
But this ideal, is not at all simple. It's hard to get, it's rare (to me). And in the pursuit of this ideal, I've fallen into those pits of unhappiness. Numerous times over. It could be due to failure, it could be due to envy, it could be due to disappointment.
But it's caused these swings of negative emotions. So much so I've grown to like them, to indulge in them.
What's wrong with me? Why am I clinging on to this whole ideal so badly, so much so that I'm what I am today?
Why?
To prove to myself I've changed? To keep up with the Joneses? To show everyone I'm capable? To achieve bliss in my life? To realise and maintain what I long for so badly? To overcome these negative emotions? To make me feel complete? To pursue a true emotion?
Perhaps all of the above.
I've made mistakes. Mistakes I regret deeply. Mistakes I wish I hadnt made.
Sometimes I think back, if not for those mistakes and oversight, perhaps my life would be a lot of more blissful today, a lot more complete. And perhaps I wouldnt feel this lonely or this horrible sense of regret and longing.
Most imptly, I could feel a lot happier, knowing I've got that one thing I've longed for so badly.
But am I capable enough?
I know, it's a stupid thing to some of us, to think about all that I've missed out on, to think of such issues now. Sometimes, even I feel ashamed for thinking about such stuff. For they're nothing glorious, nothing showy. Perhaps even ridiculous. And so I avoid seeking consolation and solace, for it's simply ridiculous and embarrassing. One or two of you may know, and I'm rly glad to have you in my life. Really. For all the support and advice.
But when we really get down to the root, I'm stumped.
They're just my wants and my urges. And if there're so many people out there without it, and yet are surviving so well, then why should I feel this way? Why should I get all down over something as ridiculous as this?
Because I truly feel for it with all my heart, or because I'm desperate for a fulfilment?
Why do I keep thinking of this? And why can't I get it off my chest?
Others have done it. But why can't I? Can't I be stronger?
To be reminded of what went wrong.
To think of the people you miss.
To see the ugly you.
To feel so upset with yourself.
To have the negative emotions of the past engulf your heart, leaving you struggling for a consolation and for someone to be there.
And yet not be able to get over it.
It's not just about the past, but the whole ideal that the past reminds me of. An ideal I've wanted to badly, I'd keep trying to get it in my life.
But this ideal, is not at all simple. It's hard to get, it's rare (to me). And in the pursuit of this ideal, I've fallen into those pits of unhappiness. Numerous times over. It could be due to failure, it could be due to envy, it could be due to disappointment.
But it's caused these swings of negative emotions. So much so I've grown to like them, to indulge in them.
What's wrong with me? Why am I clinging on to this whole ideal so badly, so much so that I'm what I am today?
Why?
To prove to myself I've changed? To keep up with the Joneses? To show everyone I'm capable? To achieve bliss in my life? To realise and maintain what I long for so badly? To overcome these negative emotions? To make me feel complete? To pursue a true emotion?
Perhaps all of the above.
I've made mistakes. Mistakes I regret deeply. Mistakes I wish I hadnt made.
Sometimes I think back, if not for those mistakes and oversight, perhaps my life would be a lot of more blissful today, a lot more complete. And perhaps I wouldnt feel this lonely or this horrible sense of regret and longing.
Most imptly, I could feel a lot happier, knowing I've got that one thing I've longed for so badly.
But am I capable enough?
I know, it's a stupid thing to some of us, to think about all that I've missed out on, to think of such issues now. Sometimes, even I feel ashamed for thinking about such stuff. For they're nothing glorious, nothing showy. Perhaps even ridiculous. And so I avoid seeking consolation and solace, for it's simply ridiculous and embarrassing. One or two of you may know, and I'm rly glad to have you in my life. Really. For all the support and advice.
But when we really get down to the root, I'm stumped.
They're just my wants and my urges. And if there're so many people out there without it, and yet are surviving so well, then why should I feel this way? Why should I get all down over something as ridiculous as this?
Because I truly feel for it with all my heart, or because I'm desperate for a fulfilment?
Why do I keep thinking of this? And why can't I get it off my chest?
Others have done it. But why can't I? Can't I be stronger?