Monday, November 30, 2009
2:01 AM /
0 comments
Sometimes, the past hurts badly.
To be reminded of what went wrong.
To think of the people you miss.
To see the ugly you.
To feel so upset with yourself.
To have the negative emotions of the past engulf your heart, leaving you struggling for a consolation and for someone to be there.
And yet not be able to get over it.
It's not just about the past, but the whole ideal that the past reminds me of. An ideal I've wanted to badly, I'd keep trying to get it in my life.
But this ideal, is not at all simple. It's hard to get, it's rare (to me). And in the pursuit of this ideal, I've fallen into those pits of unhappiness. Numerous times over. It could be due to failure, it could be due to envy, it could be due to disappointment.
But it's caused these swings of negative emotions. So much so I've grown to like them, to indulge in them.
What's wrong with me? Why am I clinging on to this whole ideal so badly, so much so that I'm what I am today?
Why?
To prove to myself I've changed? To keep up with the Joneses? To show everyone I'm capable? To achieve bliss in my life? To realise and maintain what I long for so badly? To overcome these negative emotions? To make me feel complete? To pursue a true emotion?
Perhaps all of the above.
I've made mistakes. Mistakes I regret deeply. Mistakes I wish I hadnt made.
Sometimes I think back, if not for those mistakes and oversight, perhaps my life would be a lot of more blissful today, a lot more complete. And perhaps I wouldnt feel this lonely or this horrible sense of regret and longing.
Most imptly, I could feel a lot happier, knowing I've got that one thing I've longed for so badly.
But am I capable enough?
I know, it's a stupid thing to some of us, to think about all that I've missed out on, to think of such issues now. Sometimes, even I feel ashamed for thinking about such stuff. For they're nothing glorious, nothing showy. Perhaps even ridiculous. And so I avoid seeking consolation and solace, for it's simply ridiculous and embarrassing. One or two of you may know, and I'm rly glad to have you in my life. Really. For all the support and advice.
But when we really get down to the root, I'm stumped.
They're just my wants and my urges. And if there're so many people out there without it, and yet are surviving so well, then why should I feel this way? Why should I get all down over something as ridiculous as this?
Because I truly feel for it with all my heart, or because I'm desperate for a fulfilment?
Why do I keep thinking of this? And why can't I get it off my chest?
Others have done it. But why can't I? Can't I be stronger?
To be reminded of what went wrong.
To think of the people you miss.
To see the ugly you.
To feel so upset with yourself.
To have the negative emotions of the past engulf your heart, leaving you struggling for a consolation and for someone to be there.
And yet not be able to get over it.
It's not just about the past, but the whole ideal that the past reminds me of. An ideal I've wanted to badly, I'd keep trying to get it in my life.
But this ideal, is not at all simple. It's hard to get, it's rare (to me). And in the pursuit of this ideal, I've fallen into those pits of unhappiness. Numerous times over. It could be due to failure, it could be due to envy, it could be due to disappointment.
But it's caused these swings of negative emotions. So much so I've grown to like them, to indulge in them.
What's wrong with me? Why am I clinging on to this whole ideal so badly, so much so that I'm what I am today?
Why?
To prove to myself I've changed? To keep up with the Joneses? To show everyone I'm capable? To achieve bliss in my life? To realise and maintain what I long for so badly? To overcome these negative emotions? To make me feel complete? To pursue a true emotion?
Perhaps all of the above.
I've made mistakes. Mistakes I regret deeply. Mistakes I wish I hadnt made.
Sometimes I think back, if not for those mistakes and oversight, perhaps my life would be a lot of more blissful today, a lot more complete. And perhaps I wouldnt feel this lonely or this horrible sense of regret and longing.
Most imptly, I could feel a lot happier, knowing I've got that one thing I've longed for so badly.
But am I capable enough?
I know, it's a stupid thing to some of us, to think about all that I've missed out on, to think of such issues now. Sometimes, even I feel ashamed for thinking about such stuff. For they're nothing glorious, nothing showy. Perhaps even ridiculous. And so I avoid seeking consolation and solace, for it's simply ridiculous and embarrassing. One or two of you may know, and I'm rly glad to have you in my life. Really. For all the support and advice.
But when we really get down to the root, I'm stumped.
They're just my wants and my urges. And if there're so many people out there without it, and yet are surviving so well, then why should I feel this way? Why should I get all down over something as ridiculous as this?
Because I truly feel for it with all my heart, or because I'm desperate for a fulfilment?
Why do I keep thinking of this? And why can't I get it off my chest?
Others have done it. But why can't I? Can't I be stronger?
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
12:32 AM /
0 comments
And so today marked the end of our el nov sessions, which were my first round of sessions.
It's been a jolly good 4 sessions and really, I'm enjoying it so far. Who could frown upon the high warm-ups, high-energy games, and crazy scenes? And of course the hilarious members and coach of the club.
Essentially, the amateur dramatist, or so I think I am, spent these 4 sessions experimenting with emotions, levels and the sorts. And of course gelling in with the others! It has been a great learning experience and a great break from the monotony cast upon me by the diabolical existence of the nrp report. Kindof liked getting to know the various forms of drama (theatre of the oppressed etc) and picking up some dramatic techniques from the others as we went on. And I really liked how sessions are always so informal, which starkly juxtaposes the regimentation I went through the past 4 years. Not that I hate regimentation that much, but it's a fresh take on the term "cca".
That being said, I've still got loads to learn such as crafting my emotions (so as not to irritate others), getting into character (like really really get into it), thinking out of the box (so that I can contribute to the craziness of "space jump"), not breaking out of character, improvising on-the-spot, getting used to performing in front of familiar audience (stares at yong zhi) and way more.
And I'm looking forward to sessions, for the hilarious moments, crazy ideas, informal interactions, important feedback and creative takes.
Oh and for the fun of it, for these 4 sessions, I've tried my hand at various characters of which the notable ones include a silent assasin (pun unintended), a dead body (how often do you get to lie flat and motionless in el?), an almost-turned-rich-taitai-gigolo artist, an initially-straight-turned-gay fashion designer, a hopeless dad, an irritable teen, a teen who sobbed excessively to the point of pure irritation, a guy who had his bath towel falling off his waist, a son (whom having been portrayed my me, appeared to suffer from severe anger management issues), an aggressive commoner caught in the apocalypse and way more.
Indeed, drama transcends time, space and people.
Note to self: Monologues are more towards soliloquys than physical acting
It's been a jolly good 4 sessions and really, I'm enjoying it so far. Who could frown upon the high warm-ups, high-energy games, and crazy scenes? And of course the hilarious members and coach of the club.
Essentially, the amateur dramatist, or so I think I am, spent these 4 sessions experimenting with emotions, levels and the sorts. And of course gelling in with the others! It has been a great learning experience and a great break from the monotony cast upon me by the diabolical existence of the nrp report. Kindof liked getting to know the various forms of drama (theatre of the oppressed etc) and picking up some dramatic techniques from the others as we went on. And I really liked how sessions are always so informal, which starkly juxtaposes the regimentation I went through the past 4 years. Not that I hate regimentation that much, but it's a fresh take on the term "cca".
That being said, I've still got loads to learn such as crafting my emotions (so as not to irritate others), getting into character (like really really get into it), thinking out of the box (so that I can contribute to the craziness of "space jump"), not breaking out of character, improvising on-the-spot, getting used to performing in front of familiar audience (stares at yong zhi) and way more.
And I'm looking forward to sessions, for the hilarious moments, crazy ideas, informal interactions, important feedback and creative takes.
Oh and for the fun of it, for these 4 sessions, I've tried my hand at various characters of which the notable ones include a silent assasin (pun unintended), a dead body (how often do you get to lie flat and motionless in el?), an almost-turned-rich-taitai-gigolo artist, an initially-straight-turned-gay fashion designer, a hopeless dad, an irritable teen, a teen who sobbed excessively to the point of pure irritation, a guy who had his bath towel falling off his waist, a son (whom having been portrayed my me, appeared to suffer from severe anger management issues), an aggressive commoner caught in the apocalypse and way more.
Indeed, drama transcends time, space and people.
Note to self: Monologues are more towards soliloquys than physical acting
12:03 AM /
0 comments
Last week was 4a chalet. Wasnt that bad actually. Pretty fun.It was great to know people still cared enough to put it all together. Really. To be honest, I was kindof prepared not to have one, judging from the apparent lack of outbursts of emotions or tinges of misery on the last day of school, which btw, was rly disappointing when you gotta sleep beside ck during sc camp and see him being smitten over class gifts and merchandise. *bouts of envy, glaring at gifts*
Anw, back to chalet, we had bbq where my bbqed-to-0.1s-precision chicken chop debuted. How did I do it? By checking if it FELT delicious, by subjecting it to the relentless stabbing of my almighty, awe-inspiring satay stick. It was goooooooodddd... "pbb the best chop in the world" I know I'm modest.
After that, we watched paranormal activity, which was this everyone-thinks-it's-horrifying-though-I-found-it-turning-off-but-nevertheless-a-potent-depressant-cum-sleeping-pill. It was impt alr? Cuz I had el sessions the next day. I rly dun understand why they had to use a personal camera's pov to film the entire film.. cuz it's rather chaotic and looks amateurishly cost effective. Or maybe I was too tired after el sessions, which btw were omg-ly hilarious.
After tht, we went biking, had a little drama and suffered some ooooouch in the all-time taboo region after hours of bumping and forced suppression onto the bike seat. At least I did.
Scrambled for a spot on the land-scarce beds where we set up our squatters and caught some snooze in all sorts of curled-up-limb-numbing positions we could contour our dear bodies into. Hilarious, but who cares? So tired alr.
"Ra-la-lay!" It's 6am, as we scrambled to the DE main toilets to shower, during which I decided to blend in and prance around to check out my rather-incomplete tan (well, our society frowns upon nude tanning, you see. but that shldnt entice you infer that i would even if it were allowed.) and was pleasantly surprised that I no longer resembled a lobster from that fateful sunbathing session on the pristine beaches of the eye-candy-infested outcrop of sentosa. We then rushed to school and I went for sessions. Fun.
And so that wraps up 4a's chalet. Pbb the last chalet we'll ever have. Or maybe not. I'll leave it up to your crystal balls to tell me. Though I'd like for one next year.
Anw, back to chalet, we had bbq where my bbqed-to-0.1s-precision chicken chop debuted. How did I do it? By checking if it FELT delicious, by subjecting it to the relentless stabbing of my almighty, awe-inspiring satay stick. It was goooooooodddd... "pbb the best chop in the world" I know I'm modest.
After that, we watched paranormal activity, which was this everyone-thinks-it's-horrifying-though-I-found-it-turning-off-but-nevertheless-a-potent-depressant-cum-sleeping-pill. It was impt alr? Cuz I had el sessions the next day. I rly dun understand why they had to use a personal camera's pov to film the entire film.. cuz it's rather chaotic and looks amateurishly cost effective. Or maybe I was too tired after el sessions, which btw were omg-ly hilarious.
After tht, we went biking, had a little drama and suffered some ooooouch in the all-time taboo region after hours of bumping and forced suppression onto the bike seat. At least I did.
Scrambled for a spot on the land-scarce beds where we set up our squatters and caught some snooze in all sorts of curled-up-limb-numbing positions we could contour our dear bodies into. Hilarious, but who cares? So tired alr.
"Ra-la-lay!" It's 6am, as we scrambled to the DE main toilets to shower, during which I decided to blend in and prance around to check out my rather-incomplete tan (well, our society frowns upon nude tanning, you see. but that shldnt entice you infer that i would even if it were allowed.) and was pleasantly surprised that I no longer resembled a lobster from that fateful sunbathing session on the pristine beaches of the eye-candy-infested outcrop of sentosa. We then rushed to school and I went for sessions. Fun.
And so that wraps up 4a's chalet. Pbb the last chalet we'll ever have. Or maybe not. I'll leave it up to your crystal balls to tell me. Though I'd like for one next year.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
1:58 PM /
0 comments
& so I rcvd chow's email on nrp report. Trust me, it was terrifying and pressurising. And funny too. Funny in that a 6-page report could strike me so hard. I mean, all I need to do is a 6-page report and here I am getting all worked up and stressed up.
Why? Simply cuz of a lack of motivation. I think this project, like most (if not all) other projects I've received, do not contribute to the current repository of knowledge (no improvement to science). So if the symposium judges were to ask me that, I can just thank them for a participation cert on the spot.
I dunno why, but nrp's getting on my nerves. Maybe it's the nature and the subject matter of the project. And I may or may not be paranoid, but I hope my supervisor isn't overseas (like back in India or sth) or else I'm dead meat. Man, I really need some results and guidance too. Thank god the report's due on 8 Jan, which is before school starts, or else I will just go and die alr. Indeed, April `10 shall be much anticipated.
And really, I hope this buay song thingy is only for this time. I hope it's not a sign of a larger issue that I'm unaware of, sth like a looming distaste for research.
Or maybe it's a natural human emotion cuz of the nature of research... the ups and downs. And I happen to be hitting the trough now. It's high-time for some crests.
That aside, gd luck to all the rv nrp ppl. I think most of us (if nt all) are struggling badly.
Why? Simply cuz of a lack of motivation. I think this project, like most (if not all) other projects I've received, do not contribute to the current repository of knowledge (no improvement to science). So if the symposium judges were to ask me that, I can just thank them for a participation cert on the spot.
I dunno why, but nrp's getting on my nerves. Maybe it's the nature and the subject matter of the project. And I may or may not be paranoid, but I hope my supervisor isn't overseas (like back in India or sth) or else I'm dead meat. Man, I really need some results and guidance too. Thank god the report's due on 8 Jan, which is before school starts, or else I will just go and die alr. Indeed, April `10 shall be much anticipated.
And really, I hope this buay song thingy is only for this time. I hope it's not a sign of a larger issue that I'm unaware of, sth like a looming distaste for research.
Or maybe it's a natural human emotion cuz of the nature of research... the ups and downs. And I happen to be hitting the trough now. It's high-time for some crests.
That aside, gd luck to all the rv nrp ppl. I think most of us (if nt all) are struggling badly.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
5:53 PM /
0 comments
class chalet. night cycling. bbqs. subject combi. council meetings. student lounge planning. student lounge painting (maybe). y5 orientation planning. y5 orientation meetings. council outings. welfare outing / chalet. welfare dept meeting. mrs law's retirement cd. pub dec sales. y1 regi day. rv bigwalk. orientation 2010. mass dance prac. furnishings. el sessions. upcoming syf. improvisation. theatre of the oppressed. tableaux. tanning. swimming. running. tennis (MUST DO WELL!!). tone up. bowling. sbj improvements. movies. starbucks. starbucks job (maybe?). sentosa. vietnam (halong bay!) trip. tuesdays with morrie. animal farm guide. tom yam goong tastathons. cheesecake indulgences. sushi DIYs. chicken rice. kueh idk-what. xmas outings. catch up with (self-professed) bro. band concert (tbc). nrp report. nrp logbook. nrp meetings. ikea shelves. ikea glassboards. icep usa 08 reunion (please?). organise academic work. discard useless notes. gp report. self-study nihongo. pawn genetics. own a math. ko electrolysis. get over geog-craziness. try to love econs. disney. ngc. discovery t&l. discovery. sbsp. wiki-hop. birthday dinners. xmas lunch. class allocation. nyaa.